In the spirit of spring, on this April 1, I’d like to reveal some of my most valued knowledge to you, my dear reader. Here are my three secrets to getting the body of your dreams:
1. Constantly compare yourself to others
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If you fall short of this ideal in any way, you are a bad and worthless person.
The only value that we have as human beings is in the ways in which we are better than other human beings. Sure, maybe you lost 20 pounds and are in the best shape of your life, but that accomplishment doesn’t matter at all if there’s any individual within your circle of friends who is lighter, more attractive, fitter, healthier, faster, better color-coordinated, or in any way aesthetically superior.
The only way to guarantee yourself true progress is to constantly stoke the fires of discontentment by closely observing others and finding the many ways in which you fall short as compared to them. Obsessively pore over magazines with photoshopped models. Base your ego on how your lifts compare to other dudes on the bodybuilding.com forums. These are normal, healthy behaviors that encourage you to improve yourself.
2. Work harder, not smarter
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If at first you don’t succeed, keep trying the exact same thing over and over again
Say you’ve been running 3 miles a day to lose weight, and you’re just not seeing the results you want. Maybe haven’t lost any weight, and your knees hurt all the time. Why is it that what you’re doing isn’t getting the results you want? It’s because you’re not doing enough of it, of course! Simply up your mileage to 6 miles per day, and the weight will simply fall off as your knees become magical bouncy hinges of joy.
There’s a common misconception that your body needs to rest and recuperate after exercise. Some folks even say that diet, sleep, and recovery are as important as exercise in determining what your body is capable of, how it looks, and how healthy it is. To these people, I say, “humbug!” Everyone knows that if 20 minutes of cardio is good, then 1 hour is better, and 3 hours is even better still. It’s simple math. Don’t buy into all this mumbo-jumbo about “letting your body recover,” and “general adaptation syndrome.” Just do more work, and you’ll get more results. Duh.
3. Believe the experts completely
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This man is wearing a lab coat. Do anything he says.
You are an idiot. You’re incapable of critical thinking, rational decision-making, or evaluating a claim based on the evidence. If you try to investigate the things that “experts” tell you to do, you’ll just end up confusing yourself.
The workings of the human body are mysterious and unknowable to all but the chosen few who have traveled the mystical path of medical school. These intellectual behemoths, blessed by the magical sheepskin diploma, use their years of training in how to identify the potential causes and symptoms of chicken pox in 3-year-olds as the foundation upon which they may dispense irrefutable and flawless exercise and diet advice.
But sometimes these wise sages, in their Santa-like wisdom, disagree with each other. What should an intellectual Lilliputian such as yourself do you do when these all-knowing seers disagree? The answer is simple: Do what the person with the most letters after his/her name tells you to do.
Follow these three bits of advice, and you’ll be the healthiest you could ever possibly hope to be.
… Or you could celebrate your own strengths and improvements, give your body the fuel and rest it needs to improve itself after exercise, and think critically about the sources and underlying assumptions behind the health and fitness information you come across on a daily basis. But that would just be foolish.
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Foundation
Pistol practice
WOD
12 min AMRAP
12 pistols
24 situps
Row 500m
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